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How Do I Scam Thee? Let Me count the Ways

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I love the smell of scam emails in the morning! Especially when those emails are original contributions to our contest and not the usual my-daddy-left-me-a-gazillion-dollars-in-a-vault-and-then-was-killed-by-evildoers- so-I-need-$1000-from-you-to-buy-the-key variety of scam email.

The competition was stiff among talented writers. Alas! We only have two prizes to give away because Steve withdrew his
offer to kiss the third place winner.

“Steve,” I said, “What will we tell the good people?”
“Tell them I have a raging case of oral herpes.”
“You DO??” I was aghast. Aghast, I say!
“NO, stupid. But then they won’t feel bad about losing out on the kiss. It’s for their own good.”
I was as shocked as a redneck pissing on an electric fence. “You want me to—to lie? To our readers!?”
“Well, I, I, uh…” he knew he didn’t have a leg to stand on.
I showed no mercy. “I’ve never lied to our readers and I’m not gonna start now. And neither are you! And neither am I!” Was that weeping I heard on the other end?
“Okay! I just can’t—” he choked on his words, then collected himself. “I’m afraid Matt from Wild Bluff Media will win and there’s no way I’m kissing him! He knows where I live! Have you ever seen Matt?”

So that’s why there are only two prizes and two winners. But it was a difficult choice! I have thing for redheads, but the other finalist was so in your face with its head-bobbing attitude and scaminess that it was refreshing—like the panhandler who holds up a sign that says, “I won’t lie. I need a drink” is refreshing.

The Winners
So enough from me. The first place prize goes to Anton because I really like redheads!

Hello {FIRSTNAME}

I’m sure you don’t remember me, but I was the shy redhead in the back of your 3rd grade class back in {CITY}. I always looked up to you but was too shy to say so. While we never again shared a class room, I did watch you from afar as you grew up and admired your success. As we entered high school and I finally built up the courage to say hi but my parents shipped me off to a boarding school in Europe.

At the time I hated them for sending me off, but I now realize it was what I needed. At the boarding school I overcame my shyness and after getting a degree from Oxford started one successful business after another.
I now own a chain of hotels spread across a dozen tropical resorts and have my hands in a 18 successful Internet startups.

However, all this success comes with the price of loneliness. I have never found that special person because I’ve always held them up next to you and they just don’t compare. You were my first love and nobody can replace you.

I will be traveling a lot in the next month but will land in St. Thomas for a ground breaking of my newest hotel 5 weeks from today. Please join me for the celebration. I will be out of touch for a couple weeks so please contact my esteemed assistant at SHAD1745@aol.com and he will help you make arrangements and wire you some money for a suit and travel expenses.

Love and Kisses,
The shy redhead.

Congrats, Anton. Send me a link to your blog of choice and I’ll edit the post to include it. A link where you can download your free copy of Blog Profits Blueprint is on its way to you.

The second place prize (Google Pack) goes to Melody for this gem:

Hello Dear Friend:

Please forgive me for interrupting your fine little white-bread, soccer-mom, worst-problem-is-I-got-is-a-broke-nail existence. But there are some of us who are in real trouble and could use a little help from a Dear Friend.

My wife is in need of major surgery right now. You see, her employers got nabbed before her flight arrived and now I need a surgeon to ‘retrieve’ her ‘bonus pay’. When I’m done paying him, I should have a cuppla dollars to pay you back. I’ll even tro’ in a fiver for your trouble. Just meet me at the emergency room and bring your money, money order, check—whatever. We also accept Visa/Mastercard/Amex/Discover/Gas cards–whatever. Bring valid ID & a good car. Gassed up. And leave her runnin’…

Thanks, Anton and Melody: let’s hope your creativity catches on and the real scammers can come up with some better stuff.

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One Comment

  1. Hah! I should have submitted a copy of my usual “please send me money to help cure my case of herpes of the face” email. Now that would have been awkward.

    Reply

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