It is perhaps the biggest, oldest scam of all time, predating even Washington DC politicians and more expensive than bailouts. But it stops here. Hey, “Santa!” We’re calling you out!
What Are the Claims?
The scammers claim that Christmas brings:
- Peace on Earth
- Good will toward men
- Choirs of angels
- Visions of sugar plums
- and lots of other things
So we figured, what the hell? Everybody could use a little peace, love, and joy, right? So we forked over our hard-earned $49.95 and signed up for Christmas. It started to go bad as soon as we received the shoddy e-book that describes the benefits. It was a dorky poem about some jolly old elf. The kit also included a CD of Christmas songs, which are without a doubt the sappiest schlock ever set to notes.
What Is the Reality?
Once you sign up, hoping to get the benefits that you see advertised everywhere, it doesn’t take long to realize you’ve been had. What you get is not peace on Earth, good will toward men. You get:
- Crowded stores
- Endless invitations to spend more money
- Interminable parties with people you’d rather not party with, like co-workers
- Cards and family updates from people you don’t care about
This is not what we were promised at all. But it sucks you in! I went on a spending frenzy and before I knew it, I had dropped hundreds of bones on crap my kids don’t need, fighting other trapped victims for the pleasure of giving my money to a giant box store!
And the whole Santa thing? Forget it. Anyone who believes that a guy can fly around the world in one night with magic reindeer, delivering toys to all good children, deserves to be scammed. It just ain’t gonna happen. For starters, what do magic flying reindeer eat?? Yeah, we thought so. Nobody can say.
Christmas and Santa are inventions of the retail sector designed to part you from your money. It started with Augustus Caesar, who decreed that all the world should be taxed. It continued with the Romans who decided to use Christianity to stimulate the economy by getting people to spend more on robes and sandals and togas and grapes and geese and fig pudding, whatever the hell that is. And it’s gotten worse every year for almost 2,000 years.
Don’t fall for it. Send your money to us, instead. But do have a happy holiday season.